How Long Should Sex Last?

thevaginaliberator
Aug 3
4 min read

Updated: Aug 9

How Long Should Sex Last? A Holistic Look at Sexual Connection

This question—“How long should sex last?”—might seem simple, but the answer is layered. That’s because sex is not just penetration. It’s a multi-phase experience involving emotional connection, physical intimacy, and aftercare. In this article, we’ll break down each stage of sex, reference what research tells us, and discuss what it means to be truly satisfied in bed.

Sex Includes Foreplay—And Foreplay Can Last All Day

Foreplay isn’t just kissing and touching. Foreplay is anything that builds sexual desire. It can begin the moment the day starts. For couples who live together, it may look like one partner making coffee, helping with the kids, taking over house chores, or planning a romantic evening.

Think about the busy mom who starts her day juggling children, work, and a long list of responsibilities. When her partner lightens the load, something powerful happens—emotional intimacy is sparked, which can be foreplay. A 2016 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that emotional connection and perceived partner support are strong predictors of sexual satisfaction, especially for women (Muise, Kim, & Impett, 2016).

Flirting, sexting, compliments, or light physical touch throughout the day also lay the groundwork for arousal. These actions—mundane or erotic—stimulate desire and help partners feel seen and wanted.

The Physical Side of Foreplay

When partners move into the physical aspects of foreplay, like kissing, massage, or stimulating erogenous zones, the body responds. Blood flows to the genitals, sexual tension builds, and the brain floods with chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. A 2017 review published in Archives of Sexual Behavior emphasized that extended foreplay is associated with higher arousal and more intense orgasms, especially for women (Mark, 2017).

The Act of Sex

Now we arrive at the part many people equate with “sex”: penetration. But sex may also include oral sex, manual stimulation, and any activity that leads to the release of sexual tension.

Contrary to popular belief, many women do not orgasm through penetration alone. According to research by Lloyd (2005), fewer than 25% of women reach orgasm from vaginal intercourse without clitoral stimulation. Women’s orgasms can occur throughout all stages of sexual activity—before, during, and even after penetration.

Men typically orgasm by ejaculation. After orgasm, both bodies begin to regulate:

Breathing slows
Blood pressure stabilizes
Hormone levels drop
The body cools down

This is the resolution phase of the sexual response cycle, as outlined in the classic model by Masters and Johnson (1966).

Aftercare: The Final Act of Sex

Sex doesn’t end at orgasm. Aftercare—whether cuddling, talking, sharing food, or taking a shower together—helps both partners process the intensity of sex, return to emotional safety, and avoid post-sex crashes.

This phase can last five minutes or several hours, depending on what’s needed. Aftercare has been linked to increased emotional bonding, lower post-coital dysphoria (sadness after sex) or an orgasmic crash, and better relationship satisfaction (Murray et al., 2020).

So, How Long Should Sex Last?

It depends on what we define as “sex.”

If we include emotional foreplay, physical intimacy, orgasm, and aftercare—sex could last all day. For some couples, it starts with morning texts or chores, and ends with a full night of connection.
If we’re only measuring penetrative sex, studies show that the average duration is 5.4 minutes (Waldinger et al., 2005).
According to therapists surveyed in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7–13 minutes is considered “desirable,”while 3–7 minutes is “adequate” (Beck, 2008).

So, when people on Instagram says sex should last "15–30 minutes"—like @special_dark_chalk_lit...

or "At least 30 minutes. But until we both satisfied regardless but on a drunk night....(devil emoji)" like @Silent_Steppa_Kapone....

it's safe to say, @Kaiokend is spot on when he said, "As long as both partners agree to,"—they’re not wrong. But that number depends on expectations, foreplay, and mutual satisfaction.

When Sex Feels Too Short—or Too Long

Short sex (especially if a man ejaculates very quickly) may be a sign of premature ejaculation, which affects up to 30% of men (Althof, 2006). On the flip side, taking too long to ejaculate can be linked to delayed ejaculation, which can stem from emotional disconnect, performance anxiety, or low arousal.

When women don't enjoy sex, it might be because of:

Emotional stress
Lack of stimulation
Unaddressed trauma
Vaginal pain or discomfort
Disconnection from their partner

These experiences are common—and fixable. Open communication, therapy, pelvic floor care, and deeper intimacy practices can make a big difference.

The Bottom Line

Sex isn’t a race to orgasm. It’s a shared journey, and the length depends on connection, arousal, and satisfaction—not just a stopwatch.

So, how long should sex last?

Long enough for both partners to feel desired, safe, satisfied, and seen.

Until Next Time,

The Vagina Liberator

Citations

Muise, A., Kim, J. J., & Impett, E. A. (2016). When can’t get no satisfaction: The differential impact of sexual versus emotional dissatisfaction on relationship well-being. Journal of Sex Research, 53(7), 887–897.
Mark, K. P. (2017). The Importance of Foreplay: Sexual Desire and Satisfaction in Long-Term Relationships.Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(6), 1641–1649.
Lloyd, E. A. (2005). The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution.
Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1966). Human Sexual Response.
Murray, S. H., Milhausen, R. R., & Graham, C. A. (2020). The Afterglow: The importance of aftercare following sexual activity. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 35(2), 223–238.
Beck, J. G. (2008). Therapists’ Views on Sexual Performance Expectations. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(4), 804–811.
Waldinger, M. D., Quinn, P., Dilleen, M., et al. (2005). A multinational population survey of intravaginal ejaculation latency time. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2(4), 492–497.
Althof, S. E. (2006). Psychological and interpersonal dimensions of sexual function and dysfunction. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 3(1), 27–39.