BDSM, Explained: What It Really Is, What It’s Not, and How to Explore It Safely

By: Jay Dee, MPH

BDSM, Let’s Clear the Air

Let’s sit with this for a moment—because BDSM is one of the most misunderstood parts of sexuality. When people hear “BDSM,” they often picture something extreme, scary, or way outside their comfort zone. But the truth? Many people are already engaging in BDSM and don’t even realize it.

BDSM is about consensual power exchange, sensation, and intentional intimacy. That’s it. It can be soft. It can be intense. It can be playful, emotional, sensual, or deeply erotic. And most importantly—it’s chosen.

What Does BDSM Actually Mean?

BDSM is an umbrella term made up of four main components. You don’t have to like or practice all of them to be “into BDSM.”

B – Bondage This is about restraint or restriction of movement. That could look like tying someone’s wrists with rope—or something much milder, like holding your partner’s wrists down so they can’t touch you while you tease them.

D – DisciplineDiscipline involves rules and consequences, agreed upon in advance. This could be playful structure like “hands behind your back” or “you don’t get to touch until I say so.”

D/S – Dominance & Submission This is about power exchange. One person leads, the other follows—by choice. It might be verbal control, guidance, or simply deciding who sets the pace.

S/M – Sadism & Masochism This one gets the most side-eyes, but it’s really about sensation. Giving or receiving intense feelings—like ass smacking, hair pulling, scratching, or enjoying high-pressure or even slightly painful penetration—can all fall under this category when it’s wanted and discussed.

And here’s the key: BDSM can be as mild or as extreme as you want it to be. There is no minimum or maximum requirement.

Consent Is the Foundation—Always

BDSM does not exist without consent. Period.

Consent means:

• All acts are discussed ahead of time

• Everyone agrees freely and enthusiastically

• Boundaries are respected

• Communication is ongoing, not one-and-done

  
  

This is why safety words matter. A safety word is a clear, agreed-upon word or signal that immediately pauses or stops everything. No questions. No attitude. No pushing through.

And consent doesn’t disappear mid-sex. If your partner says stop, wait, I’m not sure, or anything similar—and you continue—that can be sexual assault.

What BDSM Is Not

Let’s be crystal clear.

BDSM is not:

• Ignoring boundaries

• Skipping conversations

• Forcing acts that weren’t agreed upon

• Continuing when someone is uncomfortable

• Assuming consent because of past behavior

  
  

Sexual acts performed without consent—or continuing after consent is withdrawn—are sexual assault. Full stop.

Aftercare: The Part People Forget

Aftercare is what happens after the sexual experience. It’s how partners reconnect, ground themselves, and feel emotionally safe.

Aftercare might include:

• Cuddling

• Verbal reassurance

• Sweet drink or snacks

• Quiet time together

• Space to decompress

  
  

This matters because BDSM can be emotionally and physically intense—even when it’s enjoyable. Aftercare helps regulate the nervous system and reinforces trust. Click here to learn more.

Let’s Talk About Culture for a Second

Yes—Black people engage in BDSM. Often, we just don’t have the language for it.

Many grew up seeing BDSM portrayed as extreme, harmful, or “not for us.” But spanking, power play, verbal dominance ("Who pussy this is?" "You better not give my 'shit' away!"), restraint—these experiences have existed across cultures forever. Naming it doesn’t make it new. It just makes it safer.

Want to Explore BDSM With Your Partner?

Start with a real conversation. Not in the heat of the moment—before.

Here’s how to begin:

• Talk openly about curiosity and boundaries

• Create a list of Yes / No / Maybe activities

• Decide on safety words

• Discuss what aftercare looks like for each of you

  
  

Using tools like the Table for One worksheet can help organize thoughts around sexual boundaries, desires, and limits—without pressure or confusion.

BDSM isn’t about pain or control. It’s about trust, communication, and choice.

Until Next Time,

The Vagina Liberator

FAQs BDSM

Q: What is BDSM in simple terms?

A: BDSM is consensual sexual play involving power exchange, sensation, or restraint, agreed upon by everyone involved.

Q: Does BDSM have to be extreme?

A: No. BDSM can be very mild, like ass smacking or holding a partner’s wrists, or more intense—depending on preference and consent.

Q: Is spanking considered BDSM?

A: Yes. When it’s consensual and discussed beforehand, spanking is a common form of BDSM.

Q: What is a safety word and why is it important?

A: A safety word is a pre-agreed word that stops or pauses all activity immediately if someone feels uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Q: What is aftercare in BDSM?

A: Aftercare is the emotional and physical care partners give each other after sex to promote comfort, safety, and connection.

Q: Can BDSM be sexual assault?

A: Yes. Any sexual act without consent—or continuing after someone says stop—is sexual assault, regardless of context.

Q: Do Black people practice BDSM?

A: Yes. Many Black people engage in BDSM but may not label it as such due to cultural misconceptions.