I Survived

By: Jay Dee, MPH

I survived an abusive relationship that lasted four and a half years. I met who I thought was my “forever” at the end of 2015. But if I’m being honest with myself, we shouldn’t have made it past the first few months. Still, the pressure of love, marriage, and kids was real. I figured—after four years, we should have it all, right?

Wrong. Because in the process, I completely sacrificed myself.

I won’t go too deep into every detail—there are stories I could tell for a lifetime—but in just four years, multiple women contacted me to humiliate me about my man’s infidelity. And let’s be clear: it wasn’t “Hey sis, I want to let you know what’s going on.” No, it was more like, “Oh, you think that’s your man?”

Their anger wasn’t directed at him. It was all aimed at me. But thankfully, I had the clarity—even then—to recognize he was the common denominator.

Every time he was caught and confronted, he flipped the script on me. Gaslighting became his go-to tactic. He’d bait me into arguments just to pull his classic disappearing act. He’d emotionally neglect me, then label me “crazy” for reacting. It was psychological warfare. Mental torture.

I spent years questioning what I was doing wrong. I kept telling myself this was just a rough patch—because that’s what relationships go through, right? “Ups and downs.” I blamed stress. His job. His family. The fact that he was a merchant seaman who paid all his mother’s bills. I clung to the version of him I met at the beginning, because that high was intoxicating.

But I was wrong—so, so wrong.

In the end, I learned the truth: I wasn’t the only one. He was in a 7-year relationship with another woman in the same city, a 2-year relationship with someone in the Carolinas, and trying to get all of us pregnant at the same time. What was his end game? Whoever gets the baby, gets the man. Update: he had the baby with the one he wanted the least, who was the furhtest away!

On top of that, there were random women from Instagram he’d fly out and vacation with. I was devastated. I felt violated, betrayed, and emotionally destroyed. He never physically hit me—but at times, the emotional abuse felt just as violent.

By my birthday in 2019, I was running on empty. I forced myself to celebrate with friends at Chuy’s in Jacksonville’s Town Center. I look back at those pictures now and get emotional—I was so broken. I hadn’t heard from him. I told myself he was probably at sea, but deep down, I knew it was another lie. Weeks later, I found out he had a woman in Philly with him during my birthday.

When everything came crashing down, I shattered. I was forced to start therapy. My mom feared I was suicidal. I don’t even know if she was wrong. I was drowning. His secrets came falling out of the closet all at once, and I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

I had to rebuild—from the inside out.

I learned how to love every part of myself again. I lost weight, not because I was healing, but because I was starving. Eventually, I shifted: I cleaned up my diet, became more social, and opened up about my experiences. I used to be a “secret squirrel”—now, I let people love me. Best of all, I reclaimed my sensuality.

I stopped faking the confidence I used to wear like a mask—and started embodying it. I coached myself into engaging in self-pleasure. The tools I studied and practiced became the foundation for my self-pleasure workbook: Table For One, A Liberating Workbook.

That workbook changed my life—and I’m forever proud of the woman I’ve become.

There is peace and joy on the other side. No one will ever abuse me again.

I share this not to dwell in the past, but to encourage you: be your own best lover. Learn your body, your boundaries, your needs—emotionally, physically, sexually. Don't let the pressure of societal norms keep you in relationships that rob you of your peace.

Journal your healing. Be intentional about your intimate life. Because when you master your sexuality, you master your world.

That’s what Table for One and The Vagina Liberator are all about.

It’s more than a workbook. It’s a revolution—and a woman’s best friend. Grab your copy now.

Until Next Time,

The Vagina Liberator