Monogamy vs. Ethical Non-Monogamy: Understanding Your Relationship Options

By: Jay Dee, MPH

What Is Monogamy?

Monogamy is the practice of being in an exclusive romantic and/or sexual relationship with one person.

For many people, monogamy works beautifully. For others, it feels restrictive, unrealistic, or misaligned with their needs—and that doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with them.

Yet, relationships that exist outside of monogamy are often misunderstood and unfairly judged.

The Stigma Around Non-Monogamous Relationships

There’s a common belief that relationships outside of monogamy signal insecurity, low self-worth, or emotional damage—especially when women are involved.

For example, when a woman is in a polyamorous relationship, people may assume she lacks self-love or is afraid to be alone. That assumption is false.

In reality, many women initiate non-monogamous conversations. They are often deeply self-aware, confident, and clear about their desires. Choosing a different relationship structure isn’t a failure—it’s a decision.

Polyamory vs. Polygamy: Know the Difference

These two terms are frequently confused, but they are not the same.

What Is Polyamory?

Polyamory involves having multiple romantic relationships at the same time—with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Typically:

• There may be a primary couple

• One or both partners have additional romantic relationships

• Emotional connection is allowed

• Structures vary based on mutual agreement

  
  

Polyamorous relationships can offer emotional support, shared responsibilities, and in some cases, financial or parenting benefits.

What Is Polygamy?

Polygamy is illegal in the United States.

It traditionally involves:

• One man having multiple wives

• Often rooted in lineage, legacy, or religious structures

• Limited autonomy for women

  
  

Polyamory and polygamy are not interchangeable and should not be used as synonyms.

What Is an Open Relationship?

An open relationship usually refers to a couple who remains emotionally exclusive while allowing sexual experiences with others.

Key characteristics often include:

• Sex with others, solo or together

• Minimal or no emotional attachment to outside partners

• Clear rules defined by the couple

  
  

Like polyamory, open relationships are customizable. There is no single “right” way—only what feels ethical and sustainable for the people involved.

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)?

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes:

• Polyamory

• Open relationships

• Swinging

• Other consensual non-exclusive arrangements

  
  

The most important word here is ethical.

ENM requires:

• Transparency

• Ongoing communication

• Enthusiastic consent from all parties

• Respect for boundaries

It’s not cheating. It’s intentional.

When Ethical Non-Monogamy Might Be Worth Exploring

Ethical non-monogamy isn’t for everyone—and that’s okay.

But if you’re in a monogamous relationship marked by frequent infidelity, it may be time to ask an honest question:

"Is exclusivity actually working for us?"

Many couples experience this exhausting cycle:

• Commitment

• One partner cheats

• Discovery

• Arguments

• Temporary breakups

• Promises to change

• Emotional labor to rebuild trust

• Repeat

  
  

That cycle causes real harm.

For some couples, opening the relationship—ethically—can reduce secrecy, resentment, and emotional damage.

Your Relationship, Your Rules

The most important thing to remember is this:

Your relationship belongs to you.

You don’t owe anyone:

• An explanation

• An announcement

• A justification

  
  

You don’t have to practice monogamy just because it’s socially expected. And you don’t have to practice non-monogamy just because it sounds progressive.

What matters is alignment.

The Only Constant in Relationships Is Change

Desires evolve. Needs shift. Life happens.

Whether you remain monogamous or explore ethical non-monogamy, regular check-ins matter. Talk with your partner about:

• What’s working

• What’s not

• What you want now—not five years ago

  
  

You may decide to change nothing.You may decide to explore something new.

Either way, choosing honesty over assumption is always the most ethical move.

Next step: If this conversation feels intimidating, start small. Ask your partner how they feel about exclusivity—not as an accusation, but as curiosity. That question alone can open doors to deeper connection, clarity, and consent.

Until Next Time,

The Vagina Liberator