We Be Tussling...

By: Jay Dee, MPH

“If He Ain’t Right About Nothing Else…”

I saw a meme that said,

"If a nigga ain't right about nun else, he know when somebody ain't your friend!"

Let’s talk about it.

Domestic Violence vs. “Toxic”

Somewhere along the way, domestic violence got watered down and rebranded as just being “toxic.” That’s not cool.

When a relationship involves:

• Physical altercations (even if you’re both fighting, hitting, or pushing each other),

• Destroying each other’s property,

• Verbal abuse (name-calling, belittling, aggressive arguments),

• Emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or repeated heartbreak —

  
  

That’s domestic violence.

I get it — the term sounds harsh. When we hear “domestic violence,” we picture a woman curled up in a corner, getting beaten and fearing for her life. You might think, “That’s not me — I fight back.”

But let me hold your hand when I say this… it’s still domestic violence.And it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Humiliation, Isolation, and Control

Humiliation and isolation are also forms of abuse.

So when your partner tells you, “That’s not your real friend,” and you believe them — ask yourself:Who has really hurt you more? Your partner or your friend?

Let me guess — you confided in your friend about what was going on, and they told you to leave. But when you made up with your partner, you told them what your friend said.

And now… suddenly that friend “isn’t good for you”?

Of course your partner doesn’t want you around people who encourage you to want better.

Isolation Doesn’t Always Look Like Isolation

Isolation isn’t always obvious. It can look like:

• Starting an argument right before you go out

• Making you feel guilty for having fun

• Draining your mood until you cancel your plans

  
  

You stop going out — not because you want to, but because you don’t want to deal with your partner “tripping.” That’s emotional manipulation and isolation, both forms of domestic violence.

That’s how isolation begins. Eventually, you stop hanging out with that person or group. All to keep the “peace” in what you can’t recognize as a tumultuous relationship.

Recognizing the Cycle

Recognizing that you’re in a violent or turbulent relationship is hard — especially when you love the person.

But here’s the truth: violence in relationships rarely gets better. It usually gets worse.

The woman who was killed by her partner once thought things would get better too.

Every year, an estimated 16,800 homicides are connected to violent relationships. Injuries from these situations cost about $2.2 million annually — but the emotional cost is far greater.

If This Is You (or Someone You Know)

If you recognize yourself in this, please — make a plan. Seek counseling. Reach out for help.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You’re damn sure not a weak ass bitch! And you can break free.

You got this.

Until Next Time,

The Vagina Liberator