How to Support a Friend in an Abusive or Emotionally Toxic Relationship (Without Pushing Them Away)

By: Jay Dee, MPH

Supporting a friend who is in a relationship involving violence or emotional abuse can be challenging—and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.

A key guideline is to never bash the abusive partner. This can be tough because, as friends and family, it’s painful to watch someone you care about be mistreated. It’s natural not to like their partner, but speaking negatively about them can backfire.

When you put down their partner, your loved one might shut down, stop opening up about what’s really happening, and end up suffering in silence.

You might be thinking, “But if their partner is truly awful, what else can I say?”

Sometimes, saying nothing about the partner and simply offering a listening ear is exactly what they need. Ask if they’re open to exploring solutions, and keep your conversations focused on support and options. You can express concern without calling names or using harsh labels.

It’s difficult, but try to hold your frustration and stay patient.

Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy—that’s why so many people stay. Your loved one might not see the situation as clearly as you do. Remember, everyone’s boundaries and non-negotiables are different.

Believe it or not, a lot of people are in relationships to survive! Meaning without their current partner, they do not have the means to live comfortably on their own.

Here are other factors to consider that might be holding them back:

• Fear

• Insecurity

• Stockholm syndrome

• Fear of loneliness

• Financial struggles

• The belief “better the devil you know.”

  
  

People often endure a lot to avoid feeling completely alone. So, offer grace and compassion.

Though it’s rarely admitted out loud, many people would rather have some connection than none at all. Society has conditioned us to believe “no relationship is perfect.” True—but those with a healthy relationship with themselves know that intimacy requires work, not constant struggle.

As my mom used to say, “It don’t take all that to be with someone.”

With all that in mind, try to understand how your loved one process their reality. Be a patient listener for as long as you can, help brainstorm solutions, and accept that your advice might not be acted on right away. Change often takes time.

Most importantly, protect your own mental health while loving and supporting them.

And finally—please don’t cut ties with your loved one just because they don’t follow your advice. Your perspective isn’t their reality. If it’s too hard to hear what they’re going through, respectfully ask if they’d prefer not to share with you for now.

Remember: you’re only responsible for your own life. No one has to take your advice, so take a deep breath and chill.

Also remember, leaving an abusive relationship take time! This decision doesn’t happen over night. But also know, it’s the ok to advocate for exiting and safety. Just don’t push too hard!

Until Next Time,

The Vagina Liberator