The Purpose of a Hoe Phase: Self-Discovery, Sexual Liberation & Dating
The Purpose of a Hoe Phase: Why Every Woman Needs to Live a Little
A “hoe phase” is about more than sexual satisfaction. It signifies living your life on your own terms—not following societal rules, religious expectations, or someone else’s version of what your life is supposed to look like in hopes of achieving a particular outcome.
The truth of the matter is, none of us are leaving this world unscathed.
The danger of following “the script” is that nobody teaches you that even the righteous will suffer.
Acts 14:22 says, “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God.”
Christian women, or what some people call “good girls,” can become overly focused on following an order of operations—what they would describe as “living right.” But being by the book does not shield you from trials, heartbreak, disappointment, or uncertainty.
Sometimes, women romanticize the idea of following their hearts while abandoning logic and ignoring what life is actually showing them.
While Jeremiah was acting as the spokesperson for God, he told the people of Judah in
Jeremiah 17:9:
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
The Purpose of a Hoe Phase
Like college, a hoe phase has a hidden agenda that can only be learned through experience.
You may enter thinking you’re simply going to have fun, explore your sexuality, date, flirt, or experience different people. But somewhere along the way, you start learning things about yourself that you probably wouldn't have learned by sitting around waiting for “the one.”
Here are some of the lessons:
How to prioritize your own needs and desires—yes, selfishness.
How to leave relationships that no longer serve their intended purpose.
How to establish boundaries without wavering.
How to become comfortable expressing your thoughts, feelings, unfavorable opinions, and desires.
How to be honest with yourself.
How to take calculated risks.
How to explore without needing everything to have a predetermined outcome.
And most importantly—spontaneity and fun!
This list could go on and on.
Matter of fact, comment your hoe phase lessons at the end of this blog.
Nonetheless, a hoe phase can put women in a better position to become choosy.
To explore life.
To take calculated risks.
To believe in the possibility of “what if?”
To discover what you actually like.
To discover what you absolutely do not like.
To be free.
Liberated.
The Problem With “The Script”
When women become fixated on following “the script”—A/B honor student, college graduate, church every Sunday, career woman, minimum love interests, married, children, homeowner—they can wake up one day and realize they're miserable.
Because their life lacks excitement.
Adventure.
Knowledge of self.
“The script” is routine. It is designed to be less risky.
But there’s a problem with living a life designed to minimize risk:
There’s very little room to discover who you actually are.
Maybe you prefer being a nomad instead of a homeowner.
Maybe you want to become a baker instead of a financial advisor.
Maybe you don't want children.
Maybe you want to live in another country.
Maybe you don't want to get married.
Maybe you do want to get married—but not just because you're “supposed to.”
You can't discover those things if your entire life is built around checking boxes.
And God forbid you followed “the script” and are now living single.
This can be especially devastating for women who were taught that doing everything “the right way” would eventually lead to marriage.
What do you mean I did everything right and I'm still unmarried?!
Yes, sis.
It happens.
The Women Who Judge the “Hoes”
This group of women often has a history of passing judgment on sexually liberated women.
They label them “hoes” and assume their sexual history makes them unworthy of being loved, respected, or partnered.
But what they may not realize is that women who have experienced a hoe phase often develop a level of tenacity and self-assurance that can be attractive to men.
“Hoes” know selfishness.
They set boundaries.
They know how to say no.
They are often comfortable with their sexuality and desires.
Hell, they cut their hair at least once in their life!
And because they may be dating or entertaining multiple partners, they aren't necessarily sitting around waiting for one man to choose them.
They're unintentionally interesting because they're not readily available.
They require being served instead of always being the servant.
Most importantly, hoes de-center men.
This is their world.
“Hoes” know ball!
Meanwhile, the “Good Woman” Is Waiting
On the other hand, “Christian good women” can become male-centered because the desire for marriage is so strong.
This can make them more tolerant than they should be.
They may confuse a long-term partnership with a healthy marriage, which can result in them being too forgiving, too gracious, and too willing to endure things they shouldn't.
And sometimes, women endure so much that they eventually end up with the short end of the stick.
When “Christian good women” become partnered, they can forget that they are still an individual outside of the marriage.
They may neglect doing their due diligence when choosing a partner.
They may overlook incompatibilities because they believe the relationship is supposed to work.
Yes, you're married and your covenant matters. But let's also be honest: God didn't tell you to marry that person.
There comes a point where what you're experiencing isn't simply “trials and tribulations.”
You're living with somebody you don't like.
You two are grossly incompatible.
Everything feels forced.
And you're miserable.
Sis—that's not your husband. Leave him the first time!
A Hoe Phase Can Teach You How to Choose Better
After a hoe phase, a woman can enter a relationship or marriage with a completely different understanding of herself.
She may know what she wants.
She may know what she refuses to tolerate.
She may understand the difference between attention and genuine connection.
She may appreciate the “good guy” and the “slow life” because she has already experienced the excitement of doing things her own way.
She has lived life.
She has danced on tables.
Let her hair down.
Ran through the rain.
Taken a few risks.
Made questionable decisions.
Learned from them.
And yes, she also knows how to check an NFL roster.
That woman isn't necessarily looking for a man to complete her.
She's looking for someone who can add to a life she already enjoys.
And that's a very different position to date and marry from.
A Hoe Phase Can Be a Rite of Passage
I hope after reading this, you have a better understanding of why a hoe phase can be significant to a woman's development.
It can be a rite of passage.
It can teach you about boundaries, sexuality, dating, relationships, self-worth, independence, desire, and—perhaps most importantly—yourself.
And no, I'm not saying every woman needs to sleep with a bunch of people to become self-aware.
That's not the point.
But if you do, please use a condom all the time every time. Do not get pregnant! This is a phase. You’re here for short time not a long time.
The point is that women deserve the freedom to experience life outside of the script.
You don't have to follow a predetermined path just because somebody told you that's what a “good woman” does.
Your life is yours.
Explore it.
Question it.
Change your mind.
Take some calculated risks.
Have some fun.
And if you happen to have a hoe phase along the way?
Girl… take notes.
Because the purpose of a hoe phase was never just sex.
It was self-discovery.
Until Next Time,
The Vagina Liberator
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